The Naggy ( Diffcult Wife )

The Difficult Wife

What is a difficult wife from a husband's perspective?

Nagging is the number one complaint of men. A difficult wife hounds her husband until he gets it. If he remains unaffected, she will resort to name calling. If unsuccessful, she will scold him like a child.

A difficult wife claims that her husband is not doing anything in the house or does not understand what is needed in the house. A difficult wife thinks a husband does not do anything right. A difficult wife accuses her husband that the reason they are in a bad situation is because of his bad decisions. A difficult wife makes her husband feel that he is in a "no-win situation". A husband feels that his difficult wife does not see the sacrifices made. He feels unappreciated. All the actions of a husband seem insignificant. She treats her husband like a child who needs to be fixed. To avoid confrontation, the husband avoids interaction with his wife. A difficult wife is ungrateful. She does not know how hard he works to provide for them.

The Reality

Is it an issue of the wife being difficult or is it because the husband lacks an understanding of his role as a leader?

No one taught a man to bring out the innate leadership skills in his family life. So, the children in the house are confused. They need clarifications from their parents on what it means to be the leader of the house. If their expectations are unclear, these sons will continue the cycle. This son will be a future husband who is withdrawn and passive.

It is typical for the husband to go home from work tired. He goes to a world of his own by watching his favorite sport. He retires to the couch. He rationalizes his need for rest. His wife realizes that this is unfair. She wanted her man to have the energy to deal with the current family issue and not ignore it.. She starts to let him know her frustrations. The husband knew it was coming and labels his wife as a "big time nagger".

Lacking in leadership skills, he feels that his wife knows the problem better than him. Thus, she can handle it better. He loses his desire to be present. He feels uncertain about the issue. He will unlikely initiate an action. He will bury himself with work and stay late in the office. He will go out with his friends and drink until the wee hours of the morning. He will go to golf games with his buddies the whole weekend. He will even take separate vacations.

The husband is actually leading himself away from his wife. If the wife puts her foot forward, the husband gets upset. He feels that the wife is preventing him from becoming the man he should be. His bitterness turns to rage. He attacks and loses control. He hurts his wife. He feels guilty then further withdraws. He feels inadequate to be a family leader. He allows his wife to lead. He stops desiring to take charge. The wife takes over. The husband complains "Geez, you do have a problem."


Wife/Gf should take note


Tackle Problems by Talking: Your husband isn't perfect and there would be times when you need to really have a frank talk with him. You don't need to feel conscious about do so, lest you be "nagging." All that you have to do is watch your tone and prepare the setting. Catch him when he isn't watching TV or distracted in any other way and can give you his full attention. Having done so, sit him across and talk to him in a gentle tone and discuss the problems that you want to put across to him and how you'd like to get it resolved. He would appreciate you for doing so. Talking is very different from nagging. I am sure you know the difference in tone and approach.

Stop Pointing out His Wrongs: We all make mistakes, don't we? Do we like others (even our partners) pointing out that to us? Of course, we don't! So, do you think your husband would appreciate the fact that you list out what he's done wrong during the day, at home or through all the years he's been with you? He wouldn't! If you feel your husband has done a wrong that he shouldn't have, as stated above, there's a better way - talking. Nagging is just a continuous burst of complaints and accusations, which would do no good to your relationship and do nothing to solve the underlying problem.

Silence is Golden: Sometimes, it pays to stay silent, even in the face of provocation. While they say that communicating is important in a relationship, I would argue that too much communication is bad, especially if you have a nagging tendency. You can be sure that much of this communication would in fact just be nagging, if you were to study yourself closely.

Take the Help of Others: Sometimes, especially in social situations, when there are your friends/relatives around, you can utilize them to address your nagging problem. If you could talk to them about helping you out, whenever you feel "naggy" by diverting your attention or bringing up another subject, that would help greatly. Men don't like being nagged, but they don't like it that much more, when they are nagged in front of others. Adopting this strategy would help maintain your respect in his eyes and avoid much agony for him, having to lose face in front of others.

Reflect / Point of View: I often find that putting myself in the other person's shoes gives me fresh new perspective and appreciation of what it is for the other person. I follow this strategy for dealing with many issues in my daily life and it really works. Knowing how your husband would feel, can make you empathize with his situation better and help react more appropriately in a specific situation.

Nagging isn't something someone is born with. It is not in one's genes. If anything, it is a habit, and as with other bad habits, you can learn to tackle it. What you need is appreciation of the problem in the first place and then being disciplined in following strategies to counter it. Stop nagging and start living and loving. There's much to gain and very little to lose!!